Homage to Squinkie (Not For the Squeamish)  

GratefulGirl69 49F  
1133 posts
8/10/2018 9:50 pm
Homage to Squinkie (Not For the Squeamish)

*Warning: This gets a bit gruesome and hard at points- it's not something for the squeamish. If you're not up to something a bit intense, it's probably better to wait for my next post.*

.
It's the evening of August 10th, 2018. There are not many days that I can say this about, but I know exactly where I was- and exactly what I was thinking and feeling- nine y.ears ago. Almost down to the minute.

It was August 10th, 2009... and it was the night before my daughter's birth day. It was the night before I was scheduled to go into the hospital for labor inducement to give birth to an unexpected late-in-life miracle baby. Being what is called a "DES Daughter," I was not supposed to be able to produce offspring. Doctors never used the word "impossible," they simply said it was "highly improbable." And as I took a lackadaisical approach to birth control in the almost two decades of a sexually active marriage, and as I still never had occasion to buy a pregnancy test... well... I- and everyone- believed that I wasn't capable of being a mother, until biology proved otherwise about 18 months after my divorce.



And it was August 10th, 2009... and I was giving birth the following day. And I was very pregnant, very huge, veryuncomfortable. It was August, and so miserably hot, and I was gigantic. Always prone towards slenderness and expected to carry light at the beginning, my 80-pound pregnancy weight gain was a shocker. Especially since there were no indications that the baby was anything other than of typical size.

Extensive testing revealed that there was nothing wrong overall. Over and over throughout those 41 weeks, high-risk was declared, then eventually downgraded. My age, medical history, and personal situation made it a high-risk pregnancy at the start, but endless testing and fastidious self-care had caused it to devolve to normal-risk by about the eighth month. The only remaining uncertainty- the fact of my unexpected hugeness- was determined to be no cause for alarm. Tests revealed that everything was fine. They also revealed that fears of a secret twin were unfounded, but still I worried about that. Worried a lot.



Because it was August 10th, 2009... and I would be having a baby the next day. And I was alone. Not just for the moment or for the night, but as a parent and For Good. I had gone through the pregnancy alone and without a partner, a companion, or even a friend. The man that the Universe had paired me up with for this unexpected conception was not a man that I could be with. I couldn't be with him, and he couldn't handle the situation. He was hostile in the face of something that threatened his freedom and lifestyle, and his conduct had led me to view him as a threat- even as a danger- to me and my unborn child.

But it wasn't just him that couldn't be counted on, it was everyone. I'd had several close friends before, but every o.ne of them turned their backs on me when I didn't terminate the pregnancy. And I get it, I DO- the man who had made me pregnant was violent and abusive and tried to kill me, and I'd lost my job- my whole profession, really- due to massive budget cuts the year before, which came only months after losing everything in divorcing my heroin-addicted, lying and cheating ex-husband.

WTF, what the fuck, REALLY- What the Fucking Fuck was I doing, having a baby under those circumstances? That's what everyone said, asked. And when I didn't bend to the pressure to abort, when I decided to trek blindly into more hardship while on an already rough path and living in an already broken life, everyone I knew pretty much threw up their arms in disgust and walked away. If I was going to be a fool, then I was going to go there alone, they said. And they kind of despised me, I know- because my situation was supposed to be what abortion rights are all about.

And if any of them had known that I had never, not even for a minuscule portion of a fraction of a second, considered NOT having the child, I am sure they would have loathed me even more. But it wasn't their business, wasn't their say- and THAT is what abortion rights are about: making your own choice, without reference to what anyone else thinks, says, or believes. And I was in for the penny of o.ne baby, but worried deeply about the possibility of twins, uncertain if I could also be in for that possible pound.



But it was August 10th, 2009... and I was going into labor in the morning. And I could not only feel, but could actually see, the elbow of my night owl baby jutting out of the side of my belly while I tried to rest up for the next day's momentous activities. I could trace most of her form from that reference point of her elbow, and I was wishfully certain that there was only one tiny human inside of me. And I marveled at that feeling of that miniature elbow, either nudging me for attention or squirming in an effort to make a break from the confines of my womb.

And I rubbed that elbow and sang "Morning Has Broken" to my restless little passenger, this person who had been living and growing in my body for 41 weeks... but who was still a stranger to me, was still someone I had not yet met. But even though I didn't know her, I still knew that she would ever be the most important person in my life, the most important person in the Universe. And I wondered what she would be like- not just how she would look and smell and sound, but what the shape and size of her nature and personality would be, what sorts of things she'd enjoy, what she would be afraid of, what she would want to be- and would eventually become- when she grew up. She was a familiar stranger stirring inside of me, someone whose life would henceforth be intertwined with mine in ways that I could not possibly even conceive of on that night... and the only thing that matched my fear was my anticipation.



Yet it was August 10th, 2009... and I was only hours away from becoming a mother. And at 10 a.m. the following morning, I reported for duty at the hospital, my overwhelmed and more-sober-than-usual mother at my side, doing her best to finally do me a solid by not making me go through the childbirth thing alone. She looked out of the window while the OB pushed an (of all things!) gout pill up against my unbudging cervix, declaring that my labor should start within 5 or 6 hours. But 20 minutes later- 5 hours ahead of schedule- my water broke... that bizarre internal wet "POP" that ushers in and accompanies the full wet mess of the whole deal.

No one ever told me that "the water" keeps coming after it breaks- I always though it broke and drained out, and that was that. But no, the nurse told me, laughing- "There are no dry births around here!" And that's one of the last things that I remember clearly before the world warped and turned sideways under the influence of absolutely unimaginable pain for about six and a half hours.

I do remember snippets from that period, tiny vignettes of awareness and clarity breaking through the cloudy haze of incredible physical agony... the OB standing beside me, studying the contraction read-out, looking at me with deep scrutiny and writing down notes before leaving my line of vision. My mother fluttering at the side of the bed, shaking and in tears, demanding of the nurses the administration of the epidural that I'd signed on for. And the man whose sperm had fertilized my egg, setting this whole thing in motion, showing up and behaving true to form- driving my mother out of the room and then turning on me, right in the middle of labor, with insults and threats, spiking up my blood pressure and setting off alarms on all of the equipment attached to my body, and the nurses rushed in with a cry of "Fetal Distress" and then he was gone, locked out of the maternity ward, and then my OB rushed in and, barely before she'd snapped her gloves on, finally said the magic word: "Push."

My water broke at 10:35 a.m., and at 4:55 p.m., alone because my mom had been scared off by the sperm donor, and required to hold up my own legs, the insides of my elbows latched into the undersides of my knees, I was instructed to "Push." And never, ever, have I NEEDED to do something as much as I needed to do THAT- and I did. Once... twice.... and the third time's a charm, baby... and moments later, at 5:02 p.m., a baby's cry, the sound moving through my ears to my soul, imprinting with a distinctness so powerful that later, while my new girl was down the hall in the nursery as I tried to rest, I could pick out her individual cry in the cacophony of collective wails.

I was damaged, badly so- torn and hemorrhaging, requiring a lot of post-birth work. But they didn't keep me from my girl because of it- she was handed to me after being cleaned and weighed, put right to the breast, where she stayed for the 45 minutes that the doc pulled unimaginable things out of my body before carefully working the 17 stitches that put me back together again, luckier than Humpty Dumpty. (The weird hugeness of my pregnancy was explained- there was a massive deformity on the side of my uterus, a big glob of goodness-only-knows-what; the OB said, wonderingly, "I've never seen anything like this!")

We had to stay in the hospital a little longer than normal for natural births because of my weirdness, and the nurses kept trying to take my baby to the nursery so I could be alone and sleep. But I didn't do that often- I couldn't get enough of my fresh, new Squinkie, wanted her to stay with me as much as possible.



And just as I'd sang to her elbow when she was inside of me, I sang again to her whole self, though a different song came to mind once she was out in the world: "The Most Beautiful Girl." And I kept singing it for years, and she knew it as the "Hey Song"... because that's how I'd roll with it- I'd stop in the middle of something and say, "Hey!"... and after a pause (which got more and more predictable as time went on), I'd continue... "Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?" Only, I changed a lot of the lyrics to be more positive, such as changing, "who walked out on me" to "who came out of me."

It was really kind of clever and cute in its own way, I suppose, though she did eventually ask me to retire it. And since then, we've had at least a half-million other things like that: M.ommy's silly endearments and goofy expressions of the true and deep love that she feels for her miracle baby, for the stranger in her belly who turned out to be The Love of Her Life.



And now it's August 10th, 2018... and, sadly, my Squinkie can't be with me for her birthday this year, as it falls during her 's week. No complaints, as I've gotten it the past 2 years through the luck of the calendar draw. But it still burns a little, hurts a little, because a kid's birthday is just as significant to the mom as it is to the kid her/himself. Perhaps even moreso, because WE actually remember it. My dad, a really progressive fellow, in spite of being a radical Pentacostal minister, Gets It- and he sends me a card every year on her birthday, usually with some little quip like, (this year's) "I heard you were there, too."

Yeah. My kid's birthday is significant to me, too. And that's why I've subjected all of you sexy friends to this TMI account- because it may be HER birthday, but it's a big deal day for me, too. In the same way that her life started on that day, mine also did, too- or rather re-started. And I have no regrets, and I wouldn't change a thing about anything... unless, maybe, to change circumstances so that I might be able to call her at 5:02 tomorrow- just as my dad has called me every year at 8 a.m., my exact time of birth, for the past 45 y.ears- just to wish her a happy birthday and let her know that I am glad that she exists.

I imagine all parents Get this, in one way or another. Though I know this is a bit harsh around the edges, and it's okay if no one says anything. If nothing else, please join me in wishing my baby girl a happy 9th birthday.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo
GG69


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/10/2018 10:09 pm

A toast to the most beautiful girl in the world... Happy Birthday, my sweet baby.


Chuckk48 61M
1178 posts
8/10/2018 10:17 pm

Myself I am pro-choice but I would never advise anyone to have an abortion. I guess in my perfect world no one would ever chose to have one and I believe that is what we should work for. I have two daughters, when my youngest one got pregnant one time abortion was bought up. My exact words were "In a year we are going to cringe at that thought and say what the hell were we thinking." I was wrong, the thought was so horrific it has never been brought up again. I guess it's because it all worked out so well. People just don't understand what they are missing when they go that route. I hope your daughter has a happy birthday, it's unfortunate you are missing it. It's true when they say they grow up fast, before you know it she will be off to college.


Tucsonfun4us2 52M  
105 posts
8/10/2018 11:03 pm

Thank you for the story, very deep and emotional for sure. I wish her a Happy Birthday and to you a "Job well done Mom!" Celebrate joyfully with her when you can, that will mean more than the exact date and time.


storkjwr18 42M  
669 posts
8/11/2018 12:06 am

A very Happy Belated Anniversary of the Day of Birth to your Squinkie.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know parts of it were probably not easy to tell, but I appreciated reading the full raw story.

Having fathered five children, I can tell you each delivery and pregnancy was different. I can also tell you exactly how each one went, so it is great to read someone else account of theirs. Nothing is more precious in this world than when someone new joins it. Here is to the two of you and many more celebrations.


Catdoc1968 99M  
224 posts
8/11/2018 1:38 am

You were very brave and strong, you did what you felt was right and that is the best we all can do in any situation. As your daughter grows up I hope you get the opportunity to tell her this story in a way that makes a positive impact on her life.


Greyhawk47 48M
357 posts
8/11/2018 2:33 am

That was a great and intense read. Happy birthday to Squinkie and I hope she has many more.

Thank you for sharing your story hon.


LakeRidgeBBWSeek 57M
2252 posts
8/11/2018 2:40 am

Way to go GG, I enjoyed your documenting this time. I havnt ever been a dad, always wanted that, but somehow always picked partner gals that could not, or were beyond that state in life. I got to be a step-dad & step-grandpa for awhile, but it isnt the same I now. And I was a sperm donor (the old fashioned way) for a friend, we tried for 2 years, but no luck, and I was honored just to be chosen to try. (took her 4 more years & 2 more donors before she finally managed it at 39 & he is my 4th godchild) At the age I am now, as much as I wanted to be a dad, I wouldnt want to tackle that job now, but if for some reason it happened (and no, I havnt dated anyone under 40 in a long time) I would try my best to be a dad every child loves to remember!


ironman2769 56M  
12826 posts
8/11/2018 2:52 am

I would have done exactly what you did.....it was a miracle conception. Its brought so much joy to your life and gave such an incredible purpose in life.. Thanks for sharing...

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isitbreaktime2 52M  
61 posts
8/11/2018 4:18 am

Happy Birthday Squinkie!! And Happy Birthday-Day to her lovely mom. This was such a beautiful read.

I've been in attendance for the birth of my two sons and have often said that if it was men who gave birth and not women, the planet would be sparsely populated. Nine months of physical duress that culminates in an intensely painful delivery; you people are INCREDIBLY tough, I mean damn. The emotional and physical landscape of that experience that starts when you conceive and ends...well, it doesn't end! It really is hard to imagine. The word awesome gets used too much and should be reserved for something like this--a woman's courage and fortitude is truly Awesome.


funiithesun58 60M
824 posts
8/11/2018 4:50 am

I wish the best to you and your baby !


pocogato12 66F  
21158 posts
8/11/2018 6:49 am

What a wonderful way to share TMI > I hope that you and Squinkie share many more special days together-and every day is special, not just your birthdays. I can't believe that after his delivery room shenanigans he has
weeks of her time. My Mom took DES ( yep some of us do know what that is-me having worked in OB/GUN) so I, too should have been a "no go" . I also am a pro-choice and when my pregnancy blood test came back positive and all my doctors spoke with me about the ramifications, I chose to have ETOP .
At this point in my life it was a very wise decision even though it hurt.
You just enjoy that beautiful child as long as you can. Thank you for sharing this

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mc_justmc 58M  
3359 posts
8/11/2018 7:09 am

While being pro-choice I could never consider abortion. I fought for my oldest grand daughter the 1st time I heard of her existence while my son bellowed about "the deal" he and his gf made if she were to become pregnant. This story wasn't too hard on my nerves at all. I once sat through a monologue about "fisting" that lasted about 30 mins and left me feeling like projectile vomiting. The thing that really caught me off guard was hearing about the sperm donor being so violently against the child, but now gets his weekends. Some part of me will never forgive my son's selfishness for how he acted to his unborn child and that same part of me is sad that I only got to point it out to him that one day. When people are so blatantly selfish and wrong I want to remind them of that for eternity. Abortion on a personal level like this really sets me off. Anywho, Happy Birthday Squinkie, and Happy Anniversary to you!


citizen4722 60M  
57177 posts
8/11/2018 11:48 am

What a wonderful heart-felt post that was. I was almost in tears..truly!
I would certainly like to wish Twinkie a very happy 9th Birthday.


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 12:26 pm

    Quoting Chuckk48:
    Myself I am pro-choice but I would never advise anyone to have an abortion. I guess in my perfect world no one would ever chose to have one and I believe that is what we should work for. I have two daughters, when my youngest one got pregnant one time abortion was bought up. My exact words were "In a year we are going to cringe at that thought and say what the hell were we thinking." I was wrong, the thought was so horrific it has never been brought up again. I guess it's because it all worked out so well. People just don't understand what they are missing when they go that route. I hope your daughter has a happy birthday, it's unfortunate you are missing it. It's true when they say they grow up fast, before you know it she will be off to college.
Thank you for the comment and for sharing something from your experiences. It's a hard thing, knowing the right thing to do when greeting an unexpected pregnancy. Whatever anyone chooses, I stand behind their choice. And if I have any regrets, it's only that I made friends with so many people who couldn't see it that way.

Again, I appreciate your comment- thank you!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 12:30 pm

    Quoting Tucsonfun4us2:
    Thank you for the story, very deep and emotional for sure. I wish her a Happy Birthday and to you a "Job well done Mom!" Celebrate joyfully with her when you can, that will mean more than the exact date and time.
Thank you! We actually took the approach of having a full birthweek, instead of birthday, and did something every day to celebrate it. It's all good, really. I know she's having a fun day today, and that's all that really matters.

I appreciate your comment!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 12:34 pm

    Quoting storkjwr18:
    A very Happy Belated Anniversary of the Day of Birth to your Squinkie.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know parts of it were probably not easy to tell, but I appreciated reading the full raw story.

    Having fathered five children, I can tell you each delivery and pregnancy was different. I can also tell you exactly how each one went, so it is great to read someone else account of theirs. Nothing is more precious in this world than when someone new joins it. Here is to the two of you and many more celebrations.
Thank you! Yes, swapping birth stories is a real thing... they're like snowflakes, no two are alike. And every one is incredibly special. I enjoy hearing others' stories, too. Never actually told mine before- at least not with this level of detail... and feel a bit revealed and slightly uneasy about it today. But everyone is being kind so far, and that makes a huge difference.

Thanks so much for the well wishes and for Getting It.


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 12:36 pm

    Quoting Catdoc1968:
    You were very brave and strong, you did what you felt was right and that is the best we all can do in any situation. As your daughter grows up I hope you get the opportunity to tell her this story in a way that makes a positive impact on her life.
Thank you. As I've mentioned before, my primary audience for this blog IS my daughter- I print out posts here to save for her, to read when she gets older. So, she will get the same account that y'all have, though I trust/hope she'll know so much more from talking about it with me directly.

Thank you for commenting!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 12:37 pm

    Quoting Greyhawk47:
    That was a great and intense read. Happy birthday to Squinkie and I hope she has many more.

    Thank you for sharing your story hon.
Thank you for reading it.


Mfdmen 57M  
23 posts
8/11/2018 1:47 pm

Thank you so very much for sharing this. As a guy, I think it's sometimes hard to fully imagine what it feels like to become and be a mother. But as a father I can say I know how it is to feel such love for a child. I do every day for my - increasingly large and therefore indifferent for now - son. Your path seems to have been a harder one than some, but the joy of following it shines through in every word of your post. It's a joy that's deeper than any other, really, and I'm so glad for you that you're experiencing it. (That said, getting the little buggers to clean their rooms or take out the garbage is quite another experience). Happy birthday and much love to Squinkie - and to you.


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 2:03 pm

    Quoting LakeRidgeBBWSeek:
    Way to go GG, I enjoyed your documenting this time. I havnt ever been a dad, always wanted that, but somehow always picked partner gals that could not, or were beyond that state in life. I got to be a step-dad & step-grandpa for awhile, but it isnt the same I now. And I was a sperm donor (the old fashioned way) for a friend, we tried for 2 years, but no luck, and I was honored just to be chosen to try. (took her 4 more years & 2 more donors before she finally managed it at 39 & he is my 4th godchild) At the age I am now, as much as I wanted to be a dad, I wouldnt want to tackle that job now, but if for some reason it happened (and no, I havnt dated anyone under 40 in a long time) I would try my best to be a dad every child loves to remember!
Thanks for sharing!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 2:08 pm

    Quoting ironman2769:
    I would have done exactly what you did.....it was a miracle conception. Its brought so much joy to your life and gave such an incredible purpose in life.. Thanks for sharing...
Thank you. And yes, it really WAS a miraculous thing. I left out that her father was ALSO told that he couldn't have kids, had never had any "close calls" or "false alarms" in his life, either. He and I weren't meant to be, but SHE clearly was.

I appreciate your comment- thank you.


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 2:27 pm

    Quoting isitbreaktime2:
    Happy Birthday Squinkie!! And Happy Birthday-Day to her lovely mom. This was such a beautiful read.

    I've been in attendance for the birth of my two sons and have often said that if it was men who gave birth and not women, the planet would be sparsely populated. Nine months of physical duress that culminates in an intensely painful delivery; you people are INCREDIBLY tough, I mean damn. The emotional and physical landscape of that experience that starts when you conceive and ends...well, it doesn't end! It really is hard to imagine. The word awesome gets used too much and should be reserved for something like this--a woman's courage and fortitude is truly Awesome.
I appreciate your remarks on the challenges that women face- and take on- when it comes to reproduction. It is absolutely no easy thing, and even with the highest aims for and efforts towards co-parenting, biology itself tilts the weight of the load in the direction of the female. But it also gives us some serious hormonal mojo and crazy beautiful brain chemicals that allow us to get past the physical difficulties with little sense of lasting trauma. I mean, even for as difficult as my situation was, if I had been younger and in a strong relationship, I SO would have done it again, if I could, and given Squinkie a little bro or sis to boss around. LOL

Thanks so much.


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 2:27 pm

Thank you!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 2:51 pm

    Quoting pocogato12:
    What a wonderful way to share TMI > I hope that you and Squinkie share many more special days together-and every day is special, not just your birthdays. I can't believe that after his delivery room shenanigans he has
    weeks of her time. My Mom took DES ( yep some of us do know what that is-me having worked in OB/GUN) so I, too should have been a "no go" . I also am a pro-choice and when my pregnancy blood test came back positive and all my doctors spoke with me about the ramifications, I chose to have ETOP .
    At this point in my life it was a very wise decision even though it hurt.
    You just enjoy that beautiful child as long as you can. Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for sharing your experience- it means a lot. Hell, I appreciate hearing from someone who even knows about DES- it's under the radar of most. And I did fail to say that my reason for never considering termination was because the huge number of tests I was subjected to from the get-go all came back with promising results. If any had not... well, I would've had to consider it. I feel very fortunate that I didn't have to.

Yeah, the current shared custody thing is... confounding at best. He was completely off the grid and uninvolved for the first few years, being a no-show when I tried to arrange visits and not contributing anything to her material support. But then he hooked up with- and ultimately married- a woman who had grown-up boys, and I believe she pushed him to become involved. And the way the court system works now, they just automatically gave him half custody upon his request for it, without any regard for the context or history.

It was horrific for the first year- I can't even speak about it. And in many ways, it still is. We make the best of it, but neither of us is the least bit happy about him being in the picture now, both patiently waiting for her to get to the age where HER feelings and wants will be recognized by the court.

But I ramble- sorry! And again, thank you- I value your contribution!


GratefulGirl69 49F  
1058 posts
8/11/2018 3:53 pm

    Quoting mc_justmc:
    While being pro-choice I could never consider abortion. I fought for my oldest grand daughter the 1st time I heard of her existence while my son bellowed about "the deal" he and his gf made if she were to become pregnant. This story wasn't too hard on my nerves at all. I once sat through a monologue about "fisting" that lasted about 30 mins and left me feeling like projectile vomiting. The thing that really caught me off guard was hearing about the sperm donor being so violently against the child, but now gets his weekends. Some part of me will never forgive my son's selfishness for how he acted to his unborn child and that same part of me is sad that I only got to point it out to him that one day. When people are so blatantly selfish and wrong I want to remind them of that for eternity. Abortion on a personal level like this really sets me off. Anywho, Happy Birthday Squinkie, and Happy Anniversary to you!
Wow. A monologue about fisting?? How did THAT cross your path???

It's not something that I often admit, but I'm the same as you- when someone fucks up in a major way (as your son did by trying to prevent the life of your grand-daughter because of some sort of "deal"), I want to keep poking them with it, over and over again... or at least until they admit how wrong they were, grovel for forgiveness, and offer a financial settlement to compensate for the pain and suffering caused by their shittiness. But unfortunately, that doesn't make for productive relationships, and I usually have to swallow it and move on for the sake of the larger good.

I said a little about the custody thing in my response to pocogato- and it's not something I'm inclined to say more about because it's a really raw nerve. But the ultimate point is that, when the courts get involved, they have the final say in such matters. And these days, there's a strong effort- and a well-intentioned one, I will say- to protect the rights of fathers. And I appreciate that- fathers should have their rights protected.

But as is the case with SO many legal and political things that aim to correct past wrongs and injustices, sometimes sight of the larger good is lost in the effort... and those who do not deserve rights or privileges are granted them by default as part of measures to ensure that those who DO deserve them are never denied them. If that makes sense?

I really appreciate your contribution- thank you!


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